Iam NOT me ! ... yet!

A slightly Stream of Conscious Post,

Finding and gathering all my strengths, slow inside not to fast but with steady movement, some days falling back maybe what seems like a lot, but after a huge block of time like a season or something I see Iam steadily moving forward forward all the time.

Hard to say good bye to things that aren't addictions but really are ... Saying goodbye to friends who I thought were good for me but always knocking me down by telling me thats not possible or thats not vegan or that doesn't fit into our group. Hmmm, sometimes the ones that are supposed to be best friends are the worst friends, especially if their to locked into dogma and you met on the grounds of that dogma... Kinda like we are our own worst enemies...

Loyalty, traditions, and nostalgia are sweet things... but sometimes they are being stuck. I was a pure vegan for a lot of years and now Iam mostly, but I eat a some raw meat and sardines and raw free range eggs a little hear and there. My blood type is A+, which means that Iam naturally more of a vegan and quite easily in the world of all that, but Iam 47 now and too much of that has shown signs of aging and depletion which I guess would be no big deal to some because iam still looking really good... I dont want to look like all the people I see that are older vegans, and even raw food vegans, their faces dont like right even though they have no grey hair...

I saw Jameth Sheridan at Raw Spirit Fest 2008, and I was wearing a shirt that immediately helped him to identify that I was not young, "hey your an old guy too" he said, I think I was wearing an old ATARI shirt that I found at a vintage clothing store, I assumed that he was a little bit older than me, well, because he looked a little older than me... A few weeks ago I listened to him on Kevin Gianni's feature speaker show whatever it is called : Roundtable or something, and found out he was 39...

HE is total 100% VEGAN!

I must doing something right ,

well I know Iam,

but I do get down on myself,

They say be nice to yourself, I think Ive been nice to myself for too long or maybe just long enough, because now i think it's time to get tough on myself..

Ive ended all the toxic relationships in my life, well, at least the ones that are obviously toxic:

personal relationship, bad artist friends who seem more like macho jocks more than nurturing beautiful artisans creating beauty; Iam a musician, most musicians are arrogant assholes, I might be too , but at least Iam aware of it...

The other toxic relationships: coffee and all stimulants and marijuana...

oh yea: and as well, also toxic: giving a shit what people think!

Iam gay, I dont associate with gays anymore, it, a lot of times always seems to wind up being about the same thing at some end and you know what I mean... and Im talking about same sex men, not women; lesbians are awesome! Iam celebate now, I refuse to be defined by my sexuality...

Iam celebate now, so Iam nothing as far as being gay hetro or bi anymore...

Iam celebate because it is said that when you shut down that flow of energy it turns into creative energy... and that is what i need...

John Frusciante from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers is celebate after years of excessively tasting everything that is bad and desensitizing on every level from the one pure thing that makes us a unique from animals... He is mad creative artist on every level... !

That is what I want !

Too much in our culture is defined by sex... god damn, I dont need that input anymore...

I have almost died, and I have almost got myself lost in a world of over-stimulation. Too many distractions, too many cellphones, too numbing, too much pay TV, too much YOUTUBE, way too dilluted, too much power, too much corruption corporation disguising itself as important shit.

Every tarot card, every oracle card, every psychic , every dream I have tells me it is music, music, music that Iam supposed to do... I do it all the time, but Iam scared, or I was scared...

I want to stop being stuck, I want to stop being dilluted, iam going into hiding because my energy, creativity and uniqueness is too attractive to too many people...

It is easy to get trapped i guess because i want an audience to make sure it is all real I guess...

But not that kind of audience, enlightened people always go and live in caves and do things alone; holy fuck, god made me this way for a reason, just because there is no one else like me does not mean Iam ldoing the wrong thing, I dont feel that way,

but sometimes too many people look at me weird

and they say I am too extreme..

a psychic yesterday told me PEOPLE dont get US...

hmm, she put me in the same category as her...

I prefer to be a solo musician and I like to play alone on stage with a guitar and a ton of synthesizers,

and I consider myself a musical channel, or better yet: a sonic channel...

So I guess Iam on the level with a psychic in that sense...

Well,

actually,

I saw 3 psychics yesterday, and I got a massage at a psychic fair here in my hometown, They (the psychics) all pretty well said the same thing:

music, music, music

and that the gold is right around the corner..

OK, yea I know my shit rules,

but I totally hate everything about what it takes to be successful in music except the music; my music is gold, but my skills with the business are horrid...

and probably the worst thing is that MY music fits in no box,

and it is really not entertainment,

it is art!

People use music and art like a whore these days, it is cheap entertainment to distract them from the beautiful things they really should be doing, like sending love, or going to an art gallery or appreciating life and nature.....

So one of the psychics I saw was a past life "seer":

Ive been here a long long time...

Ramtha says that old souls are bums, because they dont care, because nothing makes any difference because nothing really does make a difference, you just do it again if it doesn't turn out right...

money, sex relationships, career

all that shit is crap, who cares

YEA, thats definitely what I think!

all I care about is beauty

I like to help people too, Im very inspired in that , which is an easy and fun distraction for me, because I can certainly get a big audience doing that,

I think my wellness blogs on youtube have gotten me more attention than my music ever,

but then again, I did my wellness blogs on youtube purely from my heart, and really just kind of as notes to myself, too mark time...

just like all my tattoos

Im going to hit the ground running,

I have been today ....

This is my last life and I need to be amazing and change the world!

Truth Calkins told me to back off on the urgency of my creativity and allow my JING to rebuild.... and me creativity would eventually be like 15 year olds again

I thought that was going to take a year for me to feel that... but it is already budding....

Iam doing things with nutrition now that I thought a rawfoodist shouldn't do...

Im a raw Omnivore now...

and I go against what all the mainstram raw food vegans do:

like the Boutenko's say we dont need supplements...

well,

if your extreme like me,

and you want to be 15 at 47: WE DO!

It is NOT the Garden of Eden Here...

the Planet is dying, and so is the constitution of the human being...

My friend Laura saw Donna Gates at a weekend seminar:

and Donna said not to worry about over population because humans wont be able to breed anymore pretty soon anyway....

our constitution is completely failing....

There was a study a while ago with cats were they sort of starved the cats of a proper diet,

you know,

kinda like us ( collectively as humans, not me , and some of us others)

but after 4 generations they could not reproduce, and if they did they were complete mutations....

Hey

guess what ?

we are four generations on of foolish lifestyle away from the earth mother

eating our shit laboratory food (again, not ME, and a few of us others)

but here's the time line, OK ( with my own birth as a marker):

I was born in 1963, my parents were the first generation to start eating shit in the 50's although they probably ate right when they were early on,

their parents were the first generation closest to the earth, and eating WHOLE FOOD, working backwards...

So all of us born in the late 50s, early sixties are generation 1 eating crap,

Since i didn't have kids, Im going to switch to my brother's lineage (who is 2 years younger than me) to follow the time line,

his kids were born in the 80's ( Gen 2)

His kids are having kids now (Gen 3)

Next one after that, is dead end!

Our topsoils are depleted

No minerals.....

Our bodies need amino acids and minerals and fats...

The Organic food your buying,

while yes it is free of what shouldnt be there anyway,

it has no minerals,

because being organically labeled does not require that it be frown in proper mineral rich soil...

So it's crazy to think we dont need supplements....

because mineral ARE NOT in the food !

Isn't it kinda ( totally) AMAZING that we label food with a special label like "ORGANIC", when it is the "conventional" food that should labeled:

CONTAINS PESTICIDES !

I guess thats kinda like calling "cow" beef, just sounds better , Aye!

or like the early McDonalds Scam advertising of saying the hamburgers grow in a hamburger patch....

yea but Im not a Nazi Vegan either

so dont think Im saying that Vegan is the only way

and why is everything all or nothing in our culture?

We need a little bit of animal protein,

there no way around that

why Im I writing this post when I should be working on my music

who cares....?

yea

Im just trying to write a little everyday to get in touch with myself deeper

Today , my first official day past the start of new routines, If I can do one day (yesterday) the rest will follow if my aim is true. It is true, I seek longevity and radiant health on every level. I have a great teacher: Truth Calkins! It is amazing how parallel our existence has been since childhood: so many similarities which I feel will give me "the edge" to do what he has done... I had a childhood and teenage years of pure innocence and creativity: I did what I want, when I wanted. I was not pushed in any way manner shape or form to do anything. I did what I wanted in terms of academic achievment, I was not pushed in any way,,, all i was expected to get for grade points was C by my folks, and even if I pulled a D, there was really not a lot of fuss: perhaps a talking to the night of the arrival of the report card. I was a loner as a boy, and I liked it! It did not do any damage to me, it was a good thing...

The reason I mention this thing about being brought up with all this freedom and creativity is because after being around lots of people now who are into this wellness thing as well as a lot of completely sick people that just hit a wall, they cant do it. I have a lot of freedom in my head. And after studying "The White Book" by Ramtha I realize that most people are not limitless in the way they think; I believe immortality is a totally attainable goal, I believe that being ageless is totally possible... most people are taught to fear at an early age.... and taught to believe that at certain ages things should happen and we just have to accept them. I believe that most of these thing I personally consider negatives are put into us by our parents at an early age... and in the case of some I believe that has been put into us by society, and for some people and their lineage I believe it has become a part of their constitution, bred into their genetic from a long time ago. I believe I can theorize this in the model of my own family in the sense that myself and my brother and sister were all adopted; we were all brought up exactly the same yet my brother and sister do not enjoy the same sense of freedom and limitless that I do. My sister lives in complete and constant anxiety and fear... and my brother is just plain negative... If you are reading this and you find yourself to be in this negative category I speak of have no fear, for Chinese herbalism can change all of that for you, although hopefully you are not too locked into western dogmatic medical thinking, or worse yet: American medical thinking...

and hopefully you are also not to locked into religious dogma, I personally am an over the top spiritual person! I accept the teachings of pretty much all systems, but one must realize , especially in the case of Christainity that that system has been quite fucked with, tainted and edited by man... In case you dont know there are 900 versions of "the bible" on the planet... Sadly, the ones that we read as Americans ( and while I dont know for sure Im assuming most Europeans as well) have the 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th Book of moses completely removed, as well as the book of Enoch, which in my mind, as little as I have learned about it, on the surface appears to be quite important; In the year that come I will be delving into this subject rather extensively... I have in "lay-away" at the local new age book store a text called: "The Other Bible"...

This is quite a lengthy digression from my point(s) I wanted to come to in this blog, but it seems quite important as Iam disecting some of these issues in the form of print... I consider myself christain because Iam a follower of Christ as well as the Jewish text, especially because a lot of the Jewish text have "trickle- down" from Eygyptology because the Jews were slaves for the Eygyptians previous to Moses liberating them. The hidden truth with in the ancient Eygyptian civilization I believe is a critical missing link in the truth of what things have gone on on this planet thousands and tens of thousands years ago. Iam also a heavy follower of Asain principles (mainly), as well as Hinduism which was planted in my head when I read "Autobiography of a Yogi" by Pramahansa Yogananda, which I discovered because of the liner notes in my favorite recording of all time: "Tales from Topographic Oceans" by YES.. I should like to point to the bulk of my readers which are probably Christains that on the eve of Jesus' crucifixion he wept in an olive garden/grove... Tell me: Do you think that was fear of dying? No, I dont think so. I say it was because his true message and body of work would be twisted to fuck in the ages to come. I tell you it is sickening to me, the message that modern American fundamentalist Christains have come up with--- I personally dont want anything to do with a god that has the ego of 3 years old human, and all the worst characteristics of humans: jealousy, envy... Please understand that the bible was written by man in a time where monarchy was the standard ruling form of government.. it does not seem like too much of a strain of the intellect that god and images of heaven were based on images of king and queens and their aristocracy. Street of Gold ? come on, that sounds like south Orange County to me... a place i personally stay the fuck away from, well other than Laguna Beach which I can take the toll right into from the Inland Empire and not have to look at even one yuppie pig.

Why am I telling you all this? as eveidence of my point that limits, fear and lies about human potential have been bred into some people lineage back for generations....

If you feel you are one of these people I highly recomend mass quantities of Chinese Tonic Herbs: Reishi, Schizandra, Asparagus Root, Ginseng, Gynostemma Tea, Polygala... that should fix it,,,,

I was addicted to music at a very early age which allowed me to create entirely huge fantasy worlds in my head, which later on in life gave me the ability visualize as well as carry that fanticizing ability into my current time ( 47 years, 2 months, 10 days) which today is currently defined as "the law of attraction"... Definitely the era I grew up in really provided "the right kind" of music for this to flourish: the ecclectic, deep world of art rock, progressive rock, and by the time I was a junior in high school the discovery of Electronic Music and more specifically Komische (cosmic) music out of Germany: all the kinds of music in my records were: Yes, Genesis, Pink Floyd, Klaus Schulze, Tangerine Dream, Ash Ra, Camel, Mahvishnu Orchestra, Gentle Giant etc... I particularly had a strong relationship with Tales From Topographic Oceans by Yes which is a very spiritual record from it's inception, conception, writing, recording and then as well as the finish product and all the "vibe" that surrounded the band at this time: I was a hard core music nerd, and I read all the music magazines at the time: Circus, Cream, although I was no fan of Rolling Stone as it was then and still is now an adversary to anything outside of roots rock and roll.... But the influence of Tales from Topographic Oceans and the politics around YES at the time strongly influenced me to where Iam now. The record was literally my sonic bible: I listened to one side of the record every night in head phones probably every night that I was a teenager, the record was double vinyl with a single 18- 22 minute track on each side. Im pretty sure that this was when my whole visualization process started, was with the catalyst of this profound music...

Iam saying all this now because Iam in a regenerative mode, it is certainly not the first time Ive done this, but this re-start here is the most important, and im pretty sure it will be the most memorable, for it will be the final frontier: I seek to become a modern Daoist Immortalist monk....

I want the unattainable, at least the unattainable in the eyes of the average: Immortality. I have become a huge and devoted follower of Truth Calkins. I started writing this post a few days ago so some time mentions are off by a few days, but as of the writting of this paragraph I have been off all stimulants ( coffee, green tea, CHOCOLATE, even kumbucha because it has a slight bit of caffeine in it) and Iam not smoking marajuana at all anymore, for some of you that is not a big deal, but for me as a musician and an artist those two things WERE creative tools... I took another consultation with Truth Calkins monday before last on the phone. To those of you following my story you know what I have done, for those of you that dont: I will briefly give you the lowdown: I had full blown AIDS in 2001, and in 2007 I decided I wanted to be off meds, I have not taken any meds since June 2009, and as dec 2009 Iam HIV NEGATIVE... this is one hundred percent because of two healers: on the physical Truth Calkins, on the spiritual Nicole Peugault of Quantum Radiance, a theta healer, both reside in Los Angeles... then in May 2010 George Lameraux of Jing Herbs discovered what I had done, and we met and talked outside of Erewhon on the picnic tables for quite some time ( I got a free Traditional Chinese Medicine accessment of my health out of it as well, and surpise, my kidneys and adrenal are strong as hell, but my liver is in trouble, which im sure is from 25 years of toxic relationships I have had as well as all the anger involved, in the understanding of Chinese medicine all the organs are related to the psych in some way: the liver is the seat of the emotions.... If you are curious about all of this I highly recommend Ron Teaguarden's book "The Ancient Wisdom of the Chinese Tonic Herbs" )

BTW, if any of you have seen the LONGEVITY NOW 2 DVD's Iam in them speaking of my achievement to David Wolfe and Dr Mercola

Yea, so I achieved that goal... and Iam in a very elite few of the world have achieved that... I have basically decided to become celebate because of that,,, I cant even date anyone because they dont even believe its true that some one could have full blown AIDS, and now not even be HIV.... But celebacy is great because it is a part of my new mission which Truth calls the way of the Jing Master Druid Immortal. Releasing your seed is your life force and that depletes Jing. Also when you learn to control those urges that energy is transmute to creative energy, my main goal!

According to a lot of people that have viewed my video blogs on youtube (http://youtube.com/liverawkstar) and left comments or sent messages they say Iam too extreme, YES IAM by most peoples standards, but we all have to live the life we are meant to live and be happy... This makes me happy...it truely does, I cannot go back , I want MORE MORE MORE.... and if any of you have met Truth Calkins in person at the Tonic Bar at Erewhon you would know he is truely happy as well...

So I have entered a new phase:

Iam the Jing Master Druid Daoist monk now, according to Truth In this initial phase I need to forget about my creativity for awhile and just cultivate an egoless sublime personality, be quiet amd take it easy, take my herbs, minerals, probiotics amino acids, EON water, vitamins, quality essential fatty acids, do the Tibetain 5 rites 2 times a day, rebound, get an inversion table, walk in nature and in general spend a lot of time in nature. and just be quiet===

In time I will return to the child like realm of endless creativity... and then I can return to my obcessions with art